My Life is Blessed. Why do I Feel so Anxious?
About ten years ago, I was sitting on the porch of my brand new house with my now-husband (then really close friend) having one of our late-night chats. I remember crying uncontrollably and saying, "I look like I have it all. Why do I feel so anxious?" At the time, I was working a great job making decent money. I had just bought a house in a nice neighborhood, had recently bought a new car, and had even lost those pesky 30lbs that tend to haunt me. I was doing 'good' from the outside, anyway. But inside, I was exhausted and anxious all the time. I was always looking for the 'next thing.' Always thinking if I went to the 'cool' event, hung out with the 'fun' people, or had the 'right' job, then I would be happy. I was running from event to event, and I just felt anxious. I may have looked like a 30-year-old who had her '&*%' together, but in reality, I was a mess. I was a chameleon trying to fit in with everyone else and be what I thought they wanted me to be.
I felt like I had video cameras in my house and that someday I would be found out that I wasn't a hip, popular extrovert who had everything together. In reality, I was a quiet introvert who was filled with anxiety and wasn't doing anything 'right'. I had bought the idea that if I do what everyone tells me to do and check off all the 'right' tasks, THEN I would be happy.
Eventually, after a couple of panic attacks and a few too many crying jags, I decided to seek help. Fortunately, I found a therapist who helped me figure out what I wanted for my life and how to notice when I stop listening to my own voice. I realized that no matter how many items I checked off the list, I would always search for the next item. I needed to stop running and start looking at my face in the mirror. My lovely, anxiety-ridden face and learn how to love and appreciate it. I learned to implement daily practices to diminish my anxiety and get off the 'to do' list train.
We are told from a young age to check off the boxes:
Go to College
Get a Job
Move up and make good money
Get Married
Buy a nice house
Buy a snazzy car
Have a child
Be a good parent
Have another child
Buy a bigger house
Have lots of friends
No one tells us:
The checkmarks never end--we can be checking things off the 'should' list for the rest of our lives
That all those checkmarks, while significant, meaningful, and worthwhile, aren't always enough.
Here's the truth:
It is ok that you have checked everything off the list and that you still feel anxious. It is ok that you are tired of living by the list. Because once you admit that you feel anxious, change can occur. Once you admit, "I did everything 'they' told me to do, and I am still searching." You can start searching internally. You can take all that great stuff you have accomplished and add to it. You don't have to live your life as a chameleon. You can reduce the feeling of being 'found out and start embracing who you are.
Anxiety does not have to rule your life. Life can look beautiful inside and out.