After years of working with clients who live with High Functioning Anxiety and cope with their anxiety by over-functioning, there are some patterns to what they learned growing up. These patterns are not set in stone or the be-all end-all. Each of us has a unique story of growing up and navigating the world.

There are three rules of the Monger don’t make a mistake, don’t stand out, and don’t be too vulnerable, and I was about to break all 3. And she was FREAKING out.

I can remember so clearly the struggle of understanding the Monger’s voice was causing me pain and still not being able to let her go. Because not only did I believe I deserved her negativity, I also believed that without her guidance, I would not be able to function as a whole person in the world.

When dealing with high functioning anxiety (HFA), one of the worst things you can do is rely on “experts” who spread misinformation about HFA and don’t actually understand the unique challenges that HFA brings.

Self shame is something that we all struggle with and at times, we can feel like we’re in an endless battle with our anxiety and inner self-critic.

Negative self talk can manifest into a life of overwhelming emotions and exhaustion if it isn’t worked through. You may think “There’s nothing I can do to change it, I’m always going to have to deal with negative self talk.” I’m here to tell you, you don’t have to!

Spinning is what I do when a project is too big, and I don’t know how to tackle it, or I don’t have the patience to tackle it. So I spin. It is procrastinating with an added layer of beating myself up.

One of my goals in my writing and talking about mental health is to share its realness. To show how freaking hard acknowledging your feelings and practicing self-loyalty is in everyday life.

I wanted to share some stories of how anxiety and the Monger have shown up this week for my clients, myself, and my friends (the names are made up). The more we hear these stories, the more we can see our anxiety playing out in our lives.

How to bring in your Biggest Fan, how to handle the Monger-BFF wrestling match in general.

For those of us with High Functioning Anxiety, this idea is problematic because we keep our anxiety at bay by keeping a veneer of perfection and productivity.

For many of us with HFA, we grew up in families that praised performance. Get an A---be the best---win the race---keep pushing---you can always do more. The reality of being human, making mistakes, being tired, feeling lazy wasn't discussed.

When I saw the "be kind" sentiment, I thought yeah, yeah, yeah... be kind... blech. Then I thought, "You say those words all the freakin' time to your clients, but how can you be kind when you feel so crappy?

And around and around we go. Feeling anxious, seeking praise to ease that anxiety, listening to the Monger, and then wanting to rebel so we start listening to the BFF to ease the pressure.

The last few weeks of December felt like I was surviving and just getting it done. Not surprisingly, my anxiety was high. I had doubled down on my old survival mechanisms, and although from time to time I was practicing A.S.K and checking in with my coping skills, for the most part, I was just surviving.

Because it doesn't, analyzing your Monger (inner critic), trying to rationalize with her or figure her out, never helps. But this is what we do.

We KNOW these things. We KNOW we should love ourselves no matter what and be our biggest cheerleaders. And there are thousands of articles out there telling us the same things over and over in different ways.

Today I want to explore those thoughts and beliefs that we hold dear. In many ways, they are like old songs that we play over and over. These thoughts and beliefs become well-worn paths in our neurology.

Years ago, when I started teaching about the Monger and 'that negative voice in my head,' I would spend a lot of time talking about the Monger and never talked about the counter to the Monger, what I now call the Biggest Fan.

So often, we blame others for not giving us the right things when we can't even give it to ourselves. My favorite question to ask is, "Would you treat your daughter like that?