Safety

Welcome to Day 3 of Self Loyalty in Spiral 2.

I am starting today's lesson with a note: Today, we are talking about growing up and the conflicting messages my parents and many of my clients' parents shared that created an emotionally unsafe environment. Recognizing this concept is important because it helps us understand where our anxiety might have come from and the power of self-loyalty in treating it. I am not a big believer in going back in our past and re-litigating everything our parents did wrong. Because they are imperfect people raising imperfect people, AND I think it is important to make peace with our stories—that is the power of therapy. I wanted to remind you that This course is not a substitute for therapy, and having a therapist and doing this course are a great pair, so if you decide you need therapy and you live in the states, I recommend you visit psychologytoday.com or ask for a referral through your insurance.

Ok, now on with the lesson…

Growing up, I was physically safe, but I was not emotionally safe. Thanks to seeking out help and support from a therapist some therapy, I can see that my parents were imperfect humans and were muddling through their anxieties and mental health challenges, so they did the best they could with what they had. However, their dysfunction left me often feeling lonely and rejected for my innate tendencies. My Mom has narcissistic traits, so she was often too absorbed with her reputation and how the outside world perceived her to attune to my needs. My mother criticized my sensitivity, curiosity, and intuitiveness for being too much; ironically, those innate traits were why I was able to come out of my childhood as well as I did.

My intuitiveness allowed me to sense what the mood was in the house as I walked in the door. My sensitivity allowed me to track my Dad's moods. My curiosity allowed me to 'counsel' my Dad even as a young child. My Mom would often send me in to be the Dad whisperer and help him recover from his latest Monger attack. Parenting your parent as a child is stressful, making me think I had more control than I did. It put way too much responsibility on me, which then made me believe I could do anything with enough willpower and control. I was constantly on edge that I would do the wrong thing and set off my Dad's anxiety and rage while also longing for my Mom's attention. Fortunately, when my Dad's wasn't being eaten alive by his Monger, he was a kind, empathetic, loving man. We had a powerful connection, and he made me feel seen and important, which was a saving grace and one reason his death brought me to my knees.

Many of my clients have similar stories of being ignored and dismissed on the one hand but also given exceptional power because they had to parent their parents growing up. The technical term for this idea is adultified because children are thrown into the role of adult too young. There are many causes of this dynamic, parents with: unresolved mental health issues, needing to work multiple jobs to support the family, struggling with a divorce or illness, traumatic events such as a divorce or death, or just being overwhelmed by life and the role of being a parent. Often we are praised as children for being "wise beyond our years" or "being an old soul." Even though we might have eagerly embraced the responsibilities associated with our premature promotion, the process put us at risk for anxiety, depression, and a sense of hyper-responsibility, which I see in almost all of my clients.

Growing up, we are given competing messages. First, some innate traits that make you who you are--are just not acceptable. AND despite that, we REALLY need you to be responsible for things way out of your league. Talk about a challenging message—who you are is not ok, but we will reward you for pushing yourself outside of what is comfortable—giving our Monger a lot of fodder.

My parents did teach me loyalty. Loyalty to the family. Loyalty to not talking about our problems in public. Loyalty was very important.

I also see the same strong sense of loyalty in my clients. Loyalty to everyone around them—creating a sense of safety for all their loved ones that was missing in their childhood. This combination—knowing and valuing loyalty AND feeling unsafe about being ourselves is why Self Loyalty is such an important thing to build to help quiet HFAimportant.

Building Self Loyalty and strengthening the voice of the Biggest Fan gives us the safety we did not get as children.

This is why the antidote to quieting anxiety is more than just being KIND to ourselves or accepting ourselves. It is calming our overactive nervous systems by building safety for ourselves. And that safety comes from being loyal to ourselves, having our own back, and trusting that even if we fail, we will be ok. That is what got me through the Sheryl Crow concert I shared two days ago, saying this sucks, you are uncomfortable, and you are safe. It is ok to be you, anxious you. I have you, Sweet Pea. Now have fun at the concert and dance to your favorite songs.

Self-loyalty builds a sense of safety, a safety that many of us didn't get as children. THAT is its power.