The Goal Changed
Today is the last day of Spiral 3, and we are wrapping up the theme of self-loyalty! I can't believe it! Where did the time go!?!
On day 5 of Spiral 1 of the Self Loyalty Theme in the lesson called What Will People Think? I shared the story of 20 years ago sitting on the porch with my now-husband (then really close friend), "I look like I have it all. Why do I feel so anxious?" That lament ended as all my laments ended. "I SHOULD be Happy!!"
Happy was always my goal. If I could FINALLY be happy, all would be well.
Happy was a catch-all phrase that meant peaceful, grateful, and confident. I wanted to be happy permanently, and on some level, I believed it was my fault that I wasn't happy because I SHOULD be.
About ten years ago, for Christmas, my Mom gifted me several quote hangings to decorate my new office. One of them said Peace: It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.
I remember reading the quote and thinking YES, this is what I SHOULD be. So Peace became my new goal. But my all-or-nothing thinking was still alive and well because I added a carefully placed always to my version of the quote:
Peace: It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and ALWAYS still be calm in your heart.
So even with this new, more reasonable goal, I was still failing because I should always be calm in my heart. My expectations were once again OFF THE CHARTS and 100% unreasonable!
A couple of years ago, A client had her last session with me. Sitting in my office, sipping her tea, she said, You know, I realized that my definition of happy has changed. I used to have a singular goal—be happy, and you know that was way more loaded than just happy but also meant doing it perfectly, never feeling stressed, and feeling good all the time—I guess I wanted to be a robot, she laughed! But now I see life is the mess! That is the whole point, and when I am trying to do it perfectly, it gets harder?! You know!?" "Oh yes, I know," I said. I definitely know. "But the coolest part is," as she became more animated. I realize it isn't linear, you know!? It is up and down and all around—some days I feel at peace, and some days I am stress case, but I eventually come back to ok what is most important here. It might take me a few days or a week to do it, but I come back to me!?! Before our work, I never knew how to come back to me. YES! I said—So much, yes, That is self-loyalty. Coming back to you over and over, and as long as you keep doing that, I know you will be just fine.
And it brought me back to the quote—Peace: It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart. And I changed it again: Self Loyalty: It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be able to come back home to myself.
I will be back in a couple of days for the conclusion—see you then.