No Need to Justify Prove or Defend

In the final lesson of Self Loyalty in Spiral 1, I talk about affirmations, and I mention that my therapist at the time had made me the mantra you don't have to justify. Prove. Defend. Or Atone for anything. This mantra has been so impactful over 20 years later; I still have the piece of paper.

A piece of paper that my therapist grabbed from her desk at the end of our session. She wrote in huge block letters with a huge marker filling up the whole piece of paper; you don't have to justify, prove or defend anything.

The words took my breath away. But I didn't believe her–

I remember running it through a few test scenarios:

Do I have to justify stopping for fast food for dinner? Nope.

OK, Do I have to prove that it is OK that I am dating my then-boyfriend? No, I do not.

Do I have to defend not liking The Office? No.

Do I have to atone for saying no to dinner with a friend? No.

Once I returned home, I put the piece of paper at the top of my stairs, and I remember feeling a sense of relief every time I walked by it. Yes. I don't have to justify, prove or defend anything. Over the next few months, I remember running everything through the test:

Choosing to sleep in, do I need to justify, prove, defend or atone for this? Nope

Choosing to have cereal for lunch? Do I need to justify, prove, defend or atone for this? Nada

Choosing to skip a friend's party, do I need to justify, prove, defend or atone? I do not.

Every time much to my surprise and delight, the answer always came back No.

My therapist was working with me at the time to stop justifying my decisions because I justified them to everyone. I am the QUEEN of feeling the need to justify anything from what I choose to wear to how I spend my time to who I spend my time with. In my mind, I was always prepared for the drill sergeant to come up to me and scream, "EXPLAIN YOURSELF, SOLDIER" I got so good at explaining my choices that in college if someone needed to 'justify a choice, they would find me—In other words, I am a walking BFF. Ha!

Simply repeating the mantra, you don't have to Justify. Prove. Defend. Or Atone for anything and giving myself permission not to justify, I loosened the belief and quieted the internal drill sergeant a bit. But over the years, I noticed when the desire to justify would take over, and it would be hard to shake. Why? Because it turns out my desire to justify was linked to my anxiety. The more anxious I get, the more I feel the need to justify, prove and defend my life. As my anxiety rises, the internal drill sergeant, My Monger, yells at me, "Explain yourself, soldier!!" So frequently, I assume EVERYONE is demanding that I justify myself.

"I am thinking pizza for dinner." I said to my husband, "OK, sure," and he responded, "Well, tomorrow night I am cooking burritos, and last night I cooked fish, so we aren't spending too much money or eating too unhealthy." My Monger has two rules for whether it is OK to order out or not.

You did hear me say sure?! My husband laughed. "I am down with pizza; you don't have to justify to me."

I did hear him say sure, but my Monger was screaming at me that I needed to explain myself!! And then it clicks—justifying pizza?! Whoa. What am I anxious about?

I spent the last few hours jumping between over-functioning and trying to figure out why I am anxious—with a sprinkling of justifying for good measure—in other words, I am headed down the anxiety rabbit hole.

Finally, tired from spinning on WHAT AM I SO ANXIOUS ABOUT, I headed to bed.

You should practice A.S.K. I thought—I am too tired. And I fell into bed.

The following day walking the dog, I remind myself to practice A.S.K. I think this is why I love walking the dog so much; it is a daily reminder to move my body, slow down and observe life.

A. Acknowledge what I am feeling. Annoyed, nervous, uneasy, hurt, Aw, there it was, the feeling I had been avoiding—hurt.

S. Slow Down and Get into my Body—I walked slowly and felt my feet and legs hit the sidewalk

K. Kindly Pull Back to see the Big Picture. OK, Sweet pea, my Biggest Fan says you are hurt. That is understandable. It's not really about the pizza. Your friend Molly has blown you off the past few weeks, and you feel annoyed and hurt. I get it. And I know your Monger has been telling you that you are silly because you are hurt—she is wrong! Remember, you don't have to justify, prove, defend or atone for anything!! Why don't you text Molly today and tell her how much you miss her?

The need to overthink through Justifying, Proving, and Defending might be a sign that your anxiety is high, and that is a sign that you need to practice A.S.K. And that may be the last thing you want to do as it was for me that night—I get it. That is OK. The goal is to catch yourself as quickly as possible; sometimes, we are quick at that catch, and sometimes we are not.

As far as the issues with Molly—we will be chatting about those during the Feelings theme in a few weeks.

See you tomorrow!