Resistance: It is Unsafe
Welcome back to day 4 of the theme Self Loyalty. Over the past few days we have been talking about our resistance to self-loyalty–today we are looking at feeling unsafe.
One of the reasons we don't practice self-loyalty is because we are afraid it is unsafe. We could be called selfish, there could be conflict, or we could be WRONG. But in some ways, self-loyalty is a chicken or the egg idea. You need self-loyalty to risk enough to be wrong or cause conflict. Over time as you survive the conflict, you can keep building more and more self-loyalty. This is why I always talk about taking small baby steps and why Self Loyalty is designed for you to listen in bite-sized lessons.
Years ago, I had an amazing therapist, let’s call her Annie. Annie changed my life and planted the seeds for many of the ideas I teach about today. One day, after a session, she asked me to meet her and a group of friends out for a happy hour at a local restaurant. This was crossing the line for 2 reasons. One it breaks confidentiality–therapists should never put their clients in the position of having to explain their relationship. And the second reason it changes the power dynamic, a therapist can’t be a friend and a therapist. A part of me thought it was unethical but most of me didn’t care. I was just thrilled that Annie liked me and wanted me to join her for a drink. After attending a few parties at her home and meeting her friends for drinks, I learned these blurred lines were common for her, and many of her friends were former and current clients. This realization raised more red flags for me, but I still ignored it because I wanted her to like me. Eventually, I stopped seeing her for therapy because I had finished my counseling degree, and Annie asked me to join her practice. At first, it was amazing. She gave me clients; she invited me to speaking events. Over time, I learned that her gifts had a price, which meant I could not grow or change. I had to teach her topics, use her materials and think and be like Annie. I had big plans for my future, and it didn't involve using someone else's material. I wanted to learn, research, and teach my material, not just regurgitate hers. So I made a plan to leave and venture out on my own. I found an office near my house and put down a deposit to rent a space that my own therapy clients could come to.
As I drove to Annie's office to tell her I was leaving, I was one part thrilled and another part unsure. I didn't know what Annie would say. And as I drove down the highway, I debated it. I mean, surely she would be happy for me. She teaches about empowerment and listening to your heart, which I was doing. But a small part of me worried she would be angry, or even vindictive. And then, out of nowhere, I heard a voice inside me say, "she can feel whatever she wants. It doesn't change what you are doing or how you feel about it. She can be angry, and you can be thrilled. You are both allowed to feel what you want to. That was my Biggest Fan, but at the time, that voice was so unfamiliar the moment is seared into my brain, I can still picture exactly where I was on my commute. The voice was 100% correct! After I gave her the news, we stood in the hallway, and she just stared at me, silent while her face grew red. Finally, she said, "Ok, well, I need to go. I have a client coming, but I need you out by this weekend. And she turned and stomped away. Thankfully my Biggest Fan had spoken up on my way to tell her because Annie was anything but happy. Annie was furious. I thought she might be hurt or angry, but I wasn't expecting her reaction. As I walked out of her office, I smiled. I had done it. I had picked myself for one of the first times ever. Annie never spoke to me again and later falsely accused me of plagiarism to a few colleagues, that’s a whole other story.
It would take me years to unpack how my relationship with Annie hurt me, but today I want to concentrate on a win from that relationship, more specifically the day when I broke the news to her that I was going off on my own. That day: I had self-loyalty. And as much as I like to think it was magic, it wasn't. There were a couple of things that happened that serve as evidence for this being a true, real-life example of self-loyalty First, I knew my values. I knew I wanted to write and teach my material. I didn't want her to have that much influence on my career. I was so sure that was what I wanted it was a heart and mind decision. It was something my mind knew made sense logically and financially, and my heart knew it made sense to bring me peace and joy. #2 On the way there, I reminded myself I am not responsible for her feelings. I am not responsible for her behavior. I do not have to mindread in this situation. I can speak from my heart, and she can be upset, and I don't have to change my mind!
At this point in my life, I had always put others' needs and feelings first, and I didn't believe it was safe. But seeing my values on the line made it feel safer and possible to take risks and be okay on the other side.
Without those two ingredients, I would not have been able to take that action. But it was also that I had grown tired of Annie, I was on to her constant need for my attention, and my family and friends all supported my decision. So it was easier to have self-loyalty, but it was pretty freaking radical at the time.
In what ways does self-loyal feel unsafe for you? Conflict, doing it wrong, being called out? Throughout the day notice what gets in the way of self loyalty for you.
See you tomorrrow!