Smoke Screens
Welcome to day 4 of the 2nd week of feelings. We are discussing what we do instead of acknowledging our feelings.
Today we are talking about smoke screens. I introduced you to this topic earlier this week.
I have been dealing with an emotional situation. I will call it problem A, and if you asked me about it, my response would be, "I am fine" or "it is what it is." I came downstairs after a workday and was obsessing about a work situation. I will call this problem B. When I say obsessing, I mean it was all I would talk about. My Monger was loud. I was beating the problem to death, analyzing and analyzing what to do. It was consuming me, and my anxiety was through the roof. That is the first clue; it was a smokescreen. Smokescreens tend to be relatively benign problems without an easy solution. Ironically problem B was the problem where the trite saying "it is what it is" would have been useful. Instead, all I could think about was how can I fix this obsess, obsess, obsess.
Later that night, I couldn't relax, and I immediately thought, I bet it is problem b. But then my loving husband said, "Really? Don't you think it is the emotional fallout from problem A, not problem b?" Oh no, I thought I was ok with that—it is what it is, blah blah blah. And then I stopped and thought, right, that is the problem. And I realized I was creating a smokescreen to not deal with problem A because problem A was messy. Problem A had lots of emotions, and what am I supposed to do with that??
The idea of smokescreens is a psychological defense mechanism called displacement—where you take your emotion out on something 'safe.' I call them smokescreens because it gives me a visual of what I am doing. A smokescreen was used in military operations to obscure or confuse the enemy. So I am trying to hide my own feelings by telling myself nothing to see here– and pulling up a distraction.
So now you might be thinking, ok, so what do you do about it?
A few years ago, I would have told myself to dive deep into all the feelings and explore them.
But now, I recognize that diving deep isn't always possible and isn't always healthy. Obviously, the feelings associated with problem A are so big that I don't know how to dive into them, and is it beneficial to dive into something so big? As they say, it is like eating an elephant in one bite.
So here is what I did:
I give myself permission to have the smokescreen. I said to myself, "Oh, Sweetpea, wow, you didn't realize how big problem A is. I get that it is overwhelming. Smokescreens are ok as long as you know it is a smokescreen."
When I notice the smokescreen taking over, I give myself permission to practice A.S.K.
Acknowledging the feelings from problem A. I look at the feelings sheet and name all the feelings coming up. I challenge myself to name 8-10 feelings and acknowledge they are there. If I want to express those feelings, I let myself do that with tears, screaming, or hitting a pillow.
Slowing down and getting into my body, doing a full-body movement, touching my toes, going for a walk, or dancing to my favorite song.
Kindly pull back to see the big picture; recognizing problem A won't take me down. It is an elephant I can eat one step at a time.
I don't always do it in that order; sometimes, I go for a walk, sometimes, I just acknowledge my feelings, and sometimes I see the bigger picture.
I give myself permission to tap in and tap out of problem A and use the smokescreen if necessary.
Not all defense mechanisms are bad. They are there for a reason, to help us deal with problems and ideas that are too big. But unchecked defense mechanisms can increase our anxiety and make the problem bigger. Through practicing self-loyalty, we can see the defense mechanisms, be kind about it, and have our own backs as we deal with hard situations.
For people with High Functioning Anxiety, denying stress is a way of life. We pride ourselves on being able to handle stressful situations. Whenever I have a stressful event, pretending as if everything is fine is my default. If I don't acknowledge the messy feelings, they will ooze out into other areas of my life. I will have what I call a 10 reaction to a 2 situation, making something a WAY bigger deal than it needs to be. Or I will start obsessing about something irrelevant again, making it a WAY bigger deal than it needs to be. Sometimes, it is hard for me to directly address a stressful situation because I am so good at creating smokescreens rather than dealing with the actual problem.
See you tomorrow!