People Pleasing
Welcome to Day 3 of the second week of beliefs. This week we are diving into the unhealthy coping skills we use to cope with our anxiety.
We have explored overthinking, perfection, all-or-nothing thinking, controlling, or I Got this, and today we are looking at people-pleasing.
Yet again, I want to remind you we are exploring these beliefs as a tool for you to notice when your anxiety is kicking in. The quicker you can notice your anxiety kicking in, the quicker you can take action. It is an act of Self-Loyalty to know and own your coping skills and make changes as needed.
Today we are talking about belief #5, people-pleasing: If others are happy, I won't be criticized, or others' needs are more important. People-pleasing is not only a distraction from our anxiety because it gives us something to do, but it is also an antidote. Doing for others and being the person others can count on is intoxicating. The more praise we get, the less anxious we feel. But it is a bottomless pit—we will never get enough praise to heal our anxiety.
People-pleasing is more than just saying yes all the time. That is a component of people pleasing—but it is much deeper and more nuanced than just saying yes, especially when it relates to anxiety. People-pleasing is about avoiding criticism and conflict, and it is rooted in being able to see and predict what other people need.
Remember the snake story I told in our first week of foundations? The story I had heard at a conference about Amanda, the little girl who saw a snake on the porch but was told it was no big deal. I bet Amanda is a people pleaser ;) When we grow up having our needs diminished and someone else's needs prioritized, we learn early on to mind-read and predict other people's needs. And bonus, we get lots of praise for it.
As a young girl, I learned that breakfast was the most important meal of the day. Even in college, no matter how early my first class was, being the good girl, I made sure to start my day right with breakfast. My roommate, however, would rather sleep in. As I remember it, I just randomly grabbed her a bagel one day, and she was SO appreciative that it became a thing. So I always grabbed her a bagel with cream cheese and butter. The reason this stands out in my mind is not just the odd topping combo but my obsession with getting her breakfast, making sure it was right, and always having a fear that I would get it wrong and she would be mad at me.
Looking back on that college ritual, I can see that my Monger was running the show,
"You had better keep her happy; I mean, she is WAY cooler than you. She is going to figure out you are a big loser, so you had better bribe her." She would sneer.
Of course, there were days I didn't want to get her a bagel because I was resentful of being forced to get her a bagel. So my BFF's voice demonized her, "Why can't she get her own bagel–I mean, if she wasn't so lazy, she could drag herself out of bed and make her own breakfast.
My Monger told me I was a loser who needed to bribe my friend, and when that got too much, my BFF would step in to blame her for being lazy. In my roommate's mind, she was just happy to have food. She probably didn't understand why I was so consistent in bringing her a bagel, but she just thought it was a nice thing I did. My roommate didn't demand it or expect it. But I demanded it of myself. It was a hell of my own making.
I can see this dynamic in my marriage. When my anxiety is high, I will bend over backward to predict my husband's needs and try to make him happy. Like watching his favorite show when I don't want to (even if he doesn't care), picking up the house (even when he doesn't notice), or making sure I tiptoe around him and give him lots of space (even though he didn't ask for it).
To be clear, my husband is one of the most laid-back, least demanding people I know, so this dynamic is all in my head. My Monger will convince me that he will stop loving me if I don't do for my husband. If he is in a bad mood, my Monger will convince me it is because of something I did, so I had better over-perform and please him. When he doesn't appreciate all my sacrifices, my BFF steps in to demonize him and tell me how much he doesn't appreciate me and all my hard work. My Monger and anxiety convince me I can control EVERYTHING, from how someone else feels to whether they will like me. And when I can't control it or get tired of trying, my BFF comes to blame the other person. Again a hell of my own making.
Noticing your people-pleasing is a way to get curious about your anxiety and your Monger. AND I admit sometimes when I ask myself if I am anxious, I will respond—no, I feel fine. Our anxiety can become so familiar it is hard to spot—this is why I love A.S.K. Acknowledge what I am feeling, Slow Down, and get into my Body. Kindly pull back to see the big picture. When I acknowledge what I am feeling and challenge myself to name 8-10 feelings, I am usually shocked by what comes up after I Slow Down and Get into my Body. I think, wow, my back is so tight, or my shoulders are killing me. So by the time I get to Kindly pull back to see the big picture, I can hear my Biggest Fan, that voice of self-loyalty, saying, Sweet Pea—it is not on your to fix everything, it is not on you to make everyone feel better. And I can give myself some kindness that it is hard to sit in the powerlessness of not being able to fix everything.
Tomorrow we will be looking at Hustling driven by the belief of over-performing; IF I push harder, I will not feel anxiety.
See you Tomorrow