Episode 122: How To Implement A.S.K. When There Aren't Enough Hours In The Day
In today’s episode, I wanted to bring back Abby and hear how she implements A.S.K. when she realizes she doesn’t have enough hours in the day.
For many years I believed that I could fix my High Functioning Anxiety
I thought that if only I could find the right way to do it, that if I just found the right hack, I could be healed.
But this isn’t how it works. The truth is that we will never be done with our High Functioning Anxiety. There isn’t a hack that can fix everything. Yes, we can loosen its grip and live a life without it controlling everything but it takes work. High Functioning Anxiety is an ongoing issue and learning to live with it is a daily process.
In December we talked about the 3 characters that play in our minds – the Monger (inner critic), the BFF (the voice of false self-compassion), and the Biggest Fan (the voice of kindness and wisdom) – and about how when we hear our Monger talking and berating us, or our BFF judging other people or sabotaging us, the goal is to bring in the voice of Biggest Fan.
All this month we have been talking about how to do that. In the past 3 episodes, I introduced A.S.K. and talked about the 3 steps: Acknowledge your feelings, Slow Down and get into your body, and Kindly pull back and see the big picture.
And as I have said before, A.S.K. is more nuanced than just doing these 3 steps.
So today I wanted to bring back Abby and hear how she implements A.S.K. around a common problem that I hear from just about everyone: what do we do about the issue of “not having enough hours in the day.”
Listen to the full episode to find out:
How to use the feelings sheet to acknowledge what you are feeling.
How to practice staying in your body and bringing in your Biggest Fan whenever you get frustrated.
How to enlist your Biggest Fan into seeing the big picture
And the rewards of doing the hard work of not allowing your Monger to run the show.
Some of the research and resources mentioned:
+ Read the Transcript
For many years I believed I could hack my High functioning anxiety. If only I found the RIGHT way to do it, I could be fixed, healed. It is ironic because High Functioning Anxiety keeps us stuck in this loop that if we do everything RIGHT, we can relax, we can earn a break. But that isn’t how life works. We will never EARN a break.
We will never hack our High Functioning Anxiety and be done with it. High Functioning Anxiety is an ongoing issue. Yes, we can loosen its grip, yes we can live a life without it controlling everything, but that takes work.
It is a process.
A daily process.
“You’re listening to The Happier Approach—the show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace and relationships. I’m your host, Nancy Jane Smith.”
In December, we talked about the 3 characters that play in our minds the Monger (inner critic), the BFF (the voice of false self-compassion), and the Biggest Fan (the voice of kindness and wisdom) when we hear our Monger talking and berating us or our BFF judging other people or sabotaging us, the goal is to bring in the voice of Biggest Fan.
All this month, we have been talking about HOW to do that. In the past 3 episodes, I introduced A.S.K. and talked about the 3 steps A. Acknowledge your Feelings and the second step S. Slow Down and get into your body.
And the third step – K-Kindly pull back and see the big picture.
As I have said before, A.S.K. is more nuanced than just do these 3 steps, and poof, your anxiety will go away, so today I wanted to bring back Abby and hear how she implements A.S.K. around a common problem that I hear from just about everyone, the issue of ‘not having enough hours in the day.’
We first met Abby back in episode 110
Hi there, I am Abby
Abby is a wife and mom to 2 children, a boy, and a girl, and works full time in a management role.
Abby deals with High Functioning Anxiety, and she has been learning how to implement the A.S.K. method to reduce her anxiety and her constant Monger chatter.
Acknowledge what you are feeling
Slow Down and Get into your body
Kindly pull back and see the big picture.
Let’s see how Abby feels about the amount of time she has to get it all done:
“There are not enough hours in the day! I set my alarm for 5am every morning, so I have a better chance of getting through my list, but my Monger likes to make me up promptly at 3:11, taunting me to use the extra hours to my advantage.”
Let’s follow Abby as she goes through her day and tries to bring her Biggest Fan into the picture more.
As soon as Abby’s alarm goes off, she is off to the races. Treadmill, coffee, shower, pack the lunches, handle carpool and try to get to work before everyone else so she can get more done.
As she sits in the morning rush hour traffic, her Monger starts going:
“Well, this is a great start… my inbox is probably busting at the seams, I’m behind on the big project, and I’ve got to rally the troops for next week’s group presentation… Traffic is the last thing I need today.”
Abby hits her horn in frustration as someone cuts her off.
“We are all sitting in traffic, jerk. You aren’t going to go any faster in my lane!”
Before Abby gets out of her car, she says to herself:
Wow, already starting the day stressed. Let’s practice A.S.K. I feel so silly doing this but let’s give it a try. If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got, right?
She pulls out the feeling sheet she keeps stuffed in her work bag and names 6-10 feelings.
I am feeling insecure, panicky, worthless, unhappy about work, annoyed, frustrated about traffic and the morning so far, and excited about watching my son’s play tonight.
Then, she slows down and starts to get out of her head. She does some stretches as she walks into her office. Finally, she starts to pull back and focus on the bigger picture:
OK, so I have A LOT to do, but I always have a lot to do. I am going to take 10 minutes and plan the day realistically. What can I get done? Do I even know what I can get done? I usually set my expectations so high, and I am always disappointed.
What if today I just focused on noticing where I get caught up and when I start to get off track? I don’t have to beat myself up--I can just be honest about what’s going on.
Abby walks into work feeling energized. As she turns on her computer, she sees 50 new emails.
Oh my God, I am NEVER going to get through these.
Her Monger starts up again:
“HA! So much for your great day of productivity, you can’t take time to PLAN. You have to answer all of these before you can do ANYTHING! What will people think if you don’t reply right away?!?”
Abby immediately shuts her computer, defeated, and walks to make her second pot of coffee.
As she fills her favorite mug with coffee and milk, she feels the warm mug in her hands and says to herself.
OK, not beating myself up today, remember? Noticing. Email is a snag—a big one.
It’s just so hard to feel this overwhelmed all the time! There has GOT to be a better way to do this than constantly feeling like I am behind. I’m going to put the emails aside for a few minutes and plan out my day.
It’s true: the emails can wait. Abby makes her plan and still has 15 minutes before the office starts bustling.
Perfect! I will triage these emails and set my priorities before everyone gets here.
By the time the office gets bustling...Abby has her head down, priorities set and is working her way through her emails.
An hour later, having finished the triage and feeling briefly on top of things. Abby gets called into an unexpected meeting:
Ok, so this meeting is NOT on my priority list... and it’s probably going to be a major waste of time, but I’m going to commit to showing up, being present, and making the most of it.
Abby decides she will practice staying in her body and bringing in her biggest fan whenever she gets frustrated.
As the meeting drones on, Abby continually brings herself back to her body. Noticing her feet on the floor. As her anxiety increase with each passing minute, she hears her biggest fan say to her:
“This is where we need to be right now. It is frustrating that our to-do list is a mile long, and this is where we need to be.”
Finally, Abby is free of the meeting. Her boss grabs her on her way out to ask her about the special project he had assigned her.
Yep, still working on it and will have something on your desk by the end of the week!
Abby says with a smile.
Oh lord--why did I say that?
How the hell am I going to make that happen!?! I guess I will be working late this week!!
Abby makes her way back to her office and immediately goes to her email. She is making her way through the 25 new messages that came in during the meeting and then remembers.
Oh right, I am working on priorities, not just email today!!
She shuts down her email and starts working on priority #1, the special project for her boss. She opens the spreadsheet, sets the timer on her phone for 30 minutes, and starts working.
After 10 minutes, she finds herself once again in her inbox.
What am I doing? Nothing important here! Why am I wasting time in my inbox?
Rather than beating herself up, she gets curious.
Ok, what am I feeling? I am feeling panicky, uncomfortable, and worthless. This project is completely out of my wheelhouse. Why did he assign this to me!?! I just know he is going to fire me!
She can feel her thoughts racing again, so she consciously calls in her Biggest Fan.
This is something totally new for everyone--and you’re the go-to for figuring this stuff out. It’s completely understandable that you’re feeling panicky. And sure, you are behind the deadline and feeling stuck… but we can get back on track. Where are you getting stuck specifically? Is there anyone you can talk to about it?
Abby realizes that it’s the numbers that are freaking her out, which makes her immediately think of her colleague, Scott. Scott loves numbers--so she offers to take him to lunch so he can help her sort it out.
At lunch, after Scott and Abby talk through the project, they spend the rest of the time ripping on their boss. Making fun of him, laughing and comparing stories on what an idiot he is. As Abby walks back into her office, she feels bad. She realizes her BFF was running the show the whole lunch.
Man, my BFF used to run the show all the time!! Whenever I would get stressed, my BFF would step in to blame someone else. I am so glad that isn’t my norm, but she does raise her ugly head from time to time.
Before she starts her work, Abby calls in her Biggest Fan.
Let me acknowledge what I am feeling: Guilty and embarrassed for talking about my boss all lunch. But also pleased that I asked for help and relieved that I know what I am doing.
Abby stands up to do a quick wiggle to shake off the guilt and embarrassment, and her Biggest Fan says,
Ok, girl, you have the answers from Scott--that’s enough to get you started. No email. No distractions, let’s get to work. You got this!!
And she sets the timer for 30 minutes.
Abby makes some major headway and gets up and walks around the office, and fills up her water bottle.
She has 15 mins until her next mtg, so she triages her email until she has to leave.
Abby handles the rest of her day, attending meetings, returning to her desk, getting into her body, setting her timer, and accomplishing her work.
At the end of the day, Abby does a quick review of the day. What went well? What didn’t go well? And what can she do differently tomorrow?
She sets her priorities and packs up to head home and make dinner before her son’s play tonight!
He is going to be amazing! I can’t wait to watch him.
As Abby sits in the bustling auditorium waiting for the play to start, she reflexively reaches in her purse to pull out her phone and check her work email.
Her Biggest Fan chimes in:
Ok, sweetpea, put the phone down. Look around. What do you see? What do you hear? What do you feel? What do you smell?
She looks around the auditorium, gets in her body, and relaxes enough to enjoy the show.
The email will be there tomorrow.
Later that night, as Abby crawls into bed, her Monger starts chiming in:
“YOU have so much to get done tomorrow!!! What are you going to do?! You will NEVER finish everything.”
Abby allows herself to feel the agitation and insecurity, and she stretches her arms up above her head, and then she calmly says to herself.
Worrying about it isn’t going to help. I have a plan. I have my priorities set, and I am figuring out how I work best. I WILL get it done. I CAN finish this project, and I know who to ask for help if I get stuck. I can see now that my expectations for what I can accomplish between emails and meetings are overblown. I am going to need to keep working on those expectations. That is going to be a daily practice!!!
Ok, so I want to comment about Abby’s day. You might be thinking all these mental gymnastics sounds exhausting!!! I hear you, Nancy but no way am I doing all of this WORK. Trust me, I hear you. Yes, it is work. It is a process of trial and error of catching yourself and regrouping. And it does get easier over time. The cycles get shorter, and you can catch your Monger or your BFF talking much faster. But here’s the thing, not doing the work, allowing your Monger to run the show is also exhausting. Feeling like you are constantly behind and beating yourself up for it all day long ad nauseum is also exhausting. Feeling disconnected from those closest to you, trapped in your head, and constantly hustling is also exhausting. It is a choice some days, we hit out of the park, we are grounded, present, and able to call in our Biggest Fan, and some days we are living in Mongerville and unable to recognize that we are constantly shaming and belittling ourselves. So yes, this is work, and yes, it is so worth it.
If you don’t do it, who will? If you’re not hustling, pushing, and keeping it all together yourself, nothing will get done.
Look, you don’t need me to tell you that. You tell yourself every day. There’s that voice inside your head constantly pushing you to do more, be more, and get closer to perfect.
And there are all the people--your family, friends, and random people on the street--who congratulate you on how productive you are.
Mixed messages, am I right?
I know I’m right because I’ve dealt with high-functioning anxiety too. I know what it’s like to relish the accolades that come your way one minute and shame yourself for being so tired and overwhelmed the next.
And, I’ve been working with women like you living with hidden anxiety every day for over 20 years as a coach and counselor.
I wrote The Happier Approach to give you a framework for dealing with your anxiety and start living happier.
The Happier Approach will help you understand the voices in your head and what to do with them. It’s not another woo-woo self-help book that asks you to think positively and live your best life. It’s a practical guidebook for getting out of survival mode and finding a genuinely happy and productive life.
Know someone who has High Functioning Anxiety and a VERY LOUD Monger. The Happier Approach makes a great gift.
Find The Happier Approach on Amazon, Audible, or Barnes & Noble!