Three Layers of High Functioning Anxiety

“Anxious behavior is rewarded in our culture. We wear it as a badge of honor. This means that many of us deny we have a problem and keep going and going."  

First, We Make The Beast Beautiful by Sarah Wilson

"When I first read this quote, I yelled out loud,' that is me! This is my clients!'"

As I read the book, I couldn't underline it fast enough. Sarah presented anxiety, not in the clinical diagnostic terms I had been trained in, but through real-life illustrations and stories. While I didn't relate to how Sarah's bipolar debilitated her from time to time, I did relate when her anxiety spurred her into action and also was rooted in shame (aka the Monger).

I would always describe myself as a type-A personality, a control freak, uptight, and on top of everything. Maybe because, growing up, those words were more acceptable than anxiety. My parents both had High Functioning Anxiety, pushing, hustling, ignore your feelings because they get in the way of productivity. This was our family philosophy. My therapist talked about my anxiety, but I don't have a lot of fears or phobias. I don't have obsessive-compulsive tendencies. I just had this low-running anxiety all the time. If I felt worried about something, that just meant I needed to double down, work harder, and push more, but it didn't mean I had anxiety. 

I did have a very loud inner critic, and at some point, I started calling my inner critic a Monger because Monger's spread propaganda, which is exactly what my inner critic was doing. After my Dad died in 2017, who also had a very loud Monger, I channeled my grief into writing my book, The Happier Approach. It was a love letter to him, a way to help myself and others stop letting their Monger run their lives. Through various book events, I chatted with several people about their Monger. I was struck that everyone I talked to had a Monger, but the severity of the Monger's chatter varied widely. Some people had a Monger who was critical and shaming from time to time but was a bit more reasonable in her critique. Whereas other people (my Dad, my clients, and I fell into this category) have an unrelenting driving voice, commenting on everything we do. She has a running commentary on every little thought, action, and feeling we have.  

Through Sarah Wilson's relatable example of anxiety combined with my realization that some people had an exceptionally loud Monger, I realized I was experiencing high-functioning anxiety. I had heard the term but hadn't translated it into my life, but in reality, it was exactly how I lived my life. I would feel anxious, but before I could recognize the anxiety, my Monger would step in to criticize me. I would tell myself to push hard and achieve more then I would feel better. Don't get me wrong, striving to be the best version of yourself is admirable, except when it comes at the cost of your self-worth. 

But High Functioning Anxiety is more than just functioning at a higher level when I feel anxious. And this is why high functioning anxiety is so tricky. As we talked about before it, it is like a spiral. 

First, there is anxiety, and to deal with the anxiety, we have developed unhealthy coping mechanisms. We will discuss these coping skills in more detail later but here are some examples: Procrastination, needing constant reassurance, perfectionism, people-pleasing, or being constantly busy. I engage in those coping skills, so I don't have to feel the underlying anxiety. For years at family gatherings, I was the person filling everyone's drinks, doing the cook, and checking in to make sure everyone was having a good time. As a way to make sure people were happy and liked me and, most importantly, kept me from feeling the anxiety I was feeling. 

When I initially tried to stop this behavior by pulling back and not offering to help, my anxiety was overwhelming, so much so that before I realized it, I was back to filling glasses and offering to fill up plates of food. These coping mechanisms are why the self-help industry thrives. All those half-completed books and courses I talked about yesterday I purchased to try to fix many of these…perfectionism, people-pleasing, focusing externally, all of those things that are "symptoms of high functioning anxiety." But they don't treat the anxiety, take away the coping skills, and all you are left with is anxiety, just like when I tried to stop overdrinking by simply removing alcohol from the house. It needed to go deeper than that. The only way it worked was when I was intentional, had a plan, and could soothe myself when I decided not to drink. 

But then there is the 3rd layer. There is the underlying shame we have about having anxiety. Whenever we feel anxious, our Monger is extremely loud—reminding us not to tell anyone that we're living with this anxiety. And whenever we're living in secret and shame, it makes things that much harder.

Because of those three factors, the coping skills, the secretiveness, and the actual anxiety, it's a little challenging to deal with high functioning anxiety. It takes more than just taking a few deep breaths or meditating 5 minutes a day (although those things help!) not impossible, but it does require some new ways of looking at it. 

High Functioning Anxiety encourages you to constantly look outside of yourself for the right answer. THEY always know better is the belief. And THEY can be your spouse, boss, neighbors, parents, siblings, or even google. I can spend a lot of time searching for the right answer when it comes to everything from cooking to mowing the grass. Even when I am numbing out, I will look for the perfect show to watch or the best game to play on my phone. I look outside of myself to feel better. Can you relate?

Keeping that in mind, I noticed that when my clients named the values that drove their lives, they almost always picked loyalty. They valued their loyalty to others, being accountable, and being kind to others. But when it came to themselves, they rarely had their own back. They often were the first to beat themselves up and ignore their own needs and values. I realized this was the missing piece. When we are loyal to ourselves, we can recognize our anxiety and do the things necessary to calm ourselves down. Building Self Loyalty is the key to quieting High Functioning Anxiety. That is the goal of this work, helping you quiet your Monger and your High Functioning Anxiety. Tomorrow I will be back to talk about why Self Loyalty is so important and why it is so hard. 

See you tomorrow!